Talk to Yourself and Lower Stress
From elections to sidelines: Managing emotions in high-stakes situations
It was the most highly contested game we faced all season. Even worse, it was our first time losing in the fourth quarter, and as the head coach of our freshman football team, I was frustrated and anxious about losing our first game of the season.
The referees’ officiating performance was how it usually is at the sub-varsity—not good. They missed several calls on our side of the ball but gave our rival the benefit of the doubt on most other penalties. Mostly, I remained relatively cool, calm, and collected until late in the game when the opposing team hit our quarterback late and out of bounds, and the referee failed to throw a flag.
I jumped in the air, threw up my hands, and yelled toward the ref. “Why is that not a flag? It’s the same penalty you called on us earlier in the game,” I exclaimed. The referee pulled out his flag, tossed it as high as possible, and issued me my first and only “unsportsmanlike conduct” penalty.
If you were there with me on the sideline when this happened, what would you have told me to calm me down? How would you address an extraordinarily frustrated and agitated coach who, at the moment, feels powerless, witnessing their perfect season ripped from their grip?
According to author Ethan Kross in his book Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matter, and How to Harness It, the way you would address me or any coach in such a scenario is the same way you should address yourself in moments of hopelessness, angst, and despair. One of the ways Kross suggests we can gain clarity is by creating “mental distance.”1 We are much more sensitive to losses than gains, according to Kross. So when we feel like we are about to lose something, instead of immersing ourselves in all the small details and potentials of what we might be losing, we might “be able to better foresee obstacles and prepare accordingly.”
For example, Kross and Igor Grossman conducted a study right before the 2008 U. S. Presidential election. They found that “asking people to imagine a future in which their chosen candidate lost the election from a distanced perspective,” that is, imagining they lived in another country, “led them to become less extreme in their political views and more open to the idea of cooperating with people who supported the opposing candidate.”2
By removing ourselves from the voices in our head, we avoid total immersion—the inner voice ranting in our mind that usually justifies our outward negative behaviors. Successfully removing ourselves from the situation can be as simple as substituting the word “I” with our names in overwhelming circumstances. Again, Kross suggests talking to yourself as if you were someone else, which could create mental distance from an unbearable state.3 It would be akin to you touching my shoulder and saying: “Coach Thomas, what are you doing? This is an important game. But, by acting this way what do you gain in the grand scheme? How do you want to be remembered as a coach, Coach Thomas?”
If I had responded this way to myself all game, my reaction would have been much different when the official didn’t throw a flag for a late hit out-of-bounds on our quarterback. “Tim,” I could’ve said repeatedly all game, “remember why you’re doing this. Remember what’s most important for these young men, Timothy. An undefeated record is nice, sure, but a legacy of how to respond to loss is an even greater win in the long run, Timothy.”
Instead, I filled my head with “I” and “we” statements all game. “I can’t believe they’re doing this to us. We put in so much hard work and they’re cheating us out of our opportunity to go undefeated. I’ve had enough!” And when the time finally came when I could no longer create any mental distance, I raged at the official and was ejected from the game. Sure, the officiating was terrible, but I decided to act the way I did.
Though this happened about seven years ago, I still wonder what could’ve happened if I had created more distance from the pressure situation by talking to myself.
So do you talk to yourself? If so, how? Do you usually create mental distance?
Chatter, page 59.
Chatter, page 59.
Chatter, page 71.