Disappoint Someone Today
People pleasing is overrated
As a track and field coach, I have an easy yet difficult job in decision-making. It’s an easy job because whoever runs the fastest times, jumps the highest or longest, or throws the furthest earns the right to compete. However, it’s a hard job because I want to provide every athlete the opportunity to compete, but spots are limited. The nature of my job is to disappoint people.
As a natural people pleaser, I writhe in internal agony when I have to tell aspiring athletes “no”. It’s never a personal choice—it’s the nature of the sport. I’ve accepted this reality and have allowed myself to embrace the pain of a parent or athlete’s disappointment. It’s not me they’re upset with, anyway—it’s usually their performance or situation they’re projecting on me. Through these many experiences, dashing hopes and dreams, I’ve learned that leaders disappoint people.
If we take this lesson for the rest of life, we’ll experience similar discomfort in other interactions with our friends, family, neighbors, and colleagues. And I think it is a good exercise for growth. It relates to a previous post where I mentioned the simple concept of essentialism and focusing on what’s important now (or W.I.N.-ing). Disappointing people in this regard is about saying no when you feel compelled to say yes to favors that you know will sidetrack your priorities.
But before we analyze these practices, let’s get to some of the root reasons why you feel compelled in the first place. Some people accept extra tasks or dole out favors because they want to be esteemed. If admired, perhaps people will be there for you when you need them. But this is inauthentic and doesn’t come from a place of virtue. Additionally, who’s to say if you do ‘x’ for them they’ll return the favor?
This quid pro quo pursuit reminds me of a scene from The Office where Dwight Schrute does multiple favors and extends kind gestures to his coworkers so they can be indebted to him and favor his sinister scheme to fire Jim (his antagonist on the show). There was only one problem with his plan: one coworker, Andy, is the type of person who returns favors immediately. Dwight spends the rest of his workday trying to outdo Andy in favors. “Don’t worry about it, you can just owe me,” Dwight says, exchanging pleasantries with Andy. Dwight never can get the whole office onboard because he wastes all his time trying to indebt one person to his favor.
Now, some people genuinely extend blessings out of the kindness of their hearts. They aren’t looking for any favors in return. Mother Teresa is a remarkable example of someone who pledged her allegiance to humanity. "Do good anyway," she once said. "Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God." But I would argue that even Mother Theresa disappointed or let some people down in her ministry. She had to prioritize certain people and certain needs that she felt were most pressing at specific times. Even when choosing to do good, you’re inevitably determined to deny doing good in another area of life at that specific moment.
These choices work out differently for all of us. As an example, here’s how I try to help our athletes consider their desire to be track and field competitors. Competing in this sport requires massive amounts of rest and recovery, a proper diet, and a healthy dose of constant hydration. So for them, eating junk food, staying up late on social media, or hanging out with their friends all weekend might not be the best choices if they want to be who they say they want to be. They will have to disappoint some people if they’re serious about pursuing the goal of becoming a track and field athlete. They’ll also have to disappoint themselves by removing themselves from the pleasures a typical non-athlete high school student has time to enjoy.
So think about your life. Who or what do you keep saying yes to that might be holding you back from your primary objectives in life? Sometimes the closest people in our lives are the ones who, knowingly or unknowingly, take advantage of our kindness. Can you practice telling them ‘no’ (and not, “we’ll see” or “let me think about it” or “I’ll try”) and sitting with that discomfort? It might help to say no, then immediately refocus on your ‘yes’ (rest, project, task, etc.) you needed or wanted to invest in.
Sure, you’ll probably disappoint these people. They may not do any favors for you when you need them as a result. They may not even like you anymore. All of these perceived unfavorable reactions are confirmation that you made the correct choice by disappointing them. If you won’t appreciate yourself enough to disappoint someone else today, why would anyone else respect you?